


Exciting Mens Club *legally we have to accept everyone

by petedapug



Category: Original Work
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-05-28
Updated: 2015-05-28
Packaged: 2018-04-01 16:45:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,777
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4027348
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/petedapug/pseuds/petedapug
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Story is about a hero starting his mid-life crisis.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Every person who ever called my line to complain about silly things](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Every+person+who+ever+called+my+line+to+complain+about+silly+things).



> So I work at help desk for safety and emission. Which means my job is answering calls from various mechanics, and during the down time I started writing things. This was the longest thing I found on the computer and I liked it.  
> There will most likely be errors as this was started quite some time ago and only recently found on my work computer.

1 The young man gazed down looking upon the city below him, watching as his reflection caught in the tinted windows of the J&S farm supply building. He stood there waiting, he was always waiting, waiting for the scream, or the blazing horn of sirens, or even the smallest cry from a child hoping their kitten would climb down from the old tree. He stood as always waiting to be a hero, and he hated it. Every minute would tick by in an unending slowness, till the moment finally hit and he could rush into action saving the day from some of the simplest of matters, all to receive handshakes and a few pats on the back. But he guessed he was to blame for that, most people aspiring to be heroes stayed toward the east, living in small studios throughout New York and her burrows, Maine and his vast fish markets. Very few heroes would have ever chosen to come out west, much less a town with a population of 500. But he was lazy and if he could ever be truly honest with himself had never wanted to be hero. The only reason he had done it was cause it was in his blood, his father, his grandfather, his grandfather’s’ father, even that weird uncle that was only invited to thanksgiving had put the cape on and accepted the life of a hero. He was destine to be hero, or so he had been told his entire life which he stubbornly accepted and tried his hardest to find a place where no hero would ever be need. Now here he stood in what most people believed to be the middle of Smith, slowly descending to street level, reviewing what he needed to get a market. Eggs…no I still have five why would I need more… don’t even really like eggs, I did need milk, and maybe some broccoli… I could do a cheese thing with it… and eggs… no you don’t need eggs… why to a keep thinking about eggs “Sir, would you like to buy a box of cookies, from your local troop?”…”Sir, SIR, SIR…” “No thanks you, I only came to get eggs.” No you fool not eggs… stop thinking you need eggs “But Sir, just so you know our troops does many actives over the year and every dollar helps. It gives us an opportunity to better ourselves and gain lasting friendships” “Do you have those little minty ones?” “Sold out, but we do have….” “No I only like those minty ones, now pardon I have to go get eggs” Walking past the young girl he reached the tinted door and gently pushing it aside. Like always Joe and his wife waved kindly, asking how his day was, if he had caught any evil doers and so forth in their normal joking manner. As always he smiled and pushed forward from the cute comments and side remarks about a hero being in such a small town and that the biggest crime to happen here was cow tipping by the high school students. Turning the corner he reached the meat counter and picked up a carton of eggs, and stood there quickly going over his list making sure that he needed nothing else at the store. He stomped over to the cash register then slipped out the doors. “Sir, would you like to buy a box of cookies, from your local troop?” “No we already did this remember. You don’t have the mint ones, I only like those” The rest of the day was uneventful; he sat on the roof of the near but building watching as the girl peddled her cookies to the shop goers, as the sun moved in its normal arch disappearing behind the mountains. The town slowly settled into its night time course and lights across the town flickered out and the population dozed off to sleep. There has to be something more than sitting on a roof yelling at yourself for buying eggs. Something more than what my family had set forth for me. Maybe an accountant, or store owner…..those would be stable but not really what I want…. Though I don’t know what I want, what I can do other that be a hero…. It not like x-ray vision and super strength is one of those frequently requested traits on the job market (in fact it was the exact opposite, turns out super strength was a huge turn off to employers, raised their liability and insurance rates for employees) What now I guess I could mess with the Johnsons release their cows and give me something to do tomorrow more than arguing with a 8 year old on her cookie stock… Floating slowing over the town he reached his house. It was a nice house, far nicer than what the heroes who had chosen the bigger cities ever would see. Its large property supports a garden and a stable for a couple of cow, as well as a modest sized rambler big enough for a family of five (thought to be a small family in these parts). Flopping down in his lounge chair he flipped through his mail, taking his time even reading over the ads saving the coupons and cursing himself for buy more eggs, he didn’t like eggs and could never remember why he would buy them. Toms livestock super winter sale… frozen eared calfs half off… rabbits 3 for 2… soda 4 for $12… The ads remained normal for the basic sales it wasn’t till he picked out a thick flyer did he take notice of the difference. Do you want excitement, a fun life with no risk, a pretty girl* on each arm…* please note that these girls may be fictional or of the male type and are called girl for the sake of our argument…. Join now, the super exciting men’s*… due to legal reason not restricted to men all genders are welcome, even those one that require more than five words that our law offices have told us are genders are welcome so please call us… at 888.223.4872 etx 468 You have nothing to lose… it not like you’re doing much, just give it call…. At worse it could be a really weird hot-line but it would be something… do it do it… DO IT DO IT Giving in to temptation he picked up the phone and dialed the number. “Good morning, this is Tina of the Exciting Men’s although not only male club, how may I help you?” “Hello,… well I um… saw your ad about excitement? Do you have an introductory offer or trial period?” “We sure do, we are currently offering and exciting sport that doubles as a job offer? Not only do you join our exclusive club but we pay you to do it. All that is required is that you do one simple task no questions asked. After this we will start you on your trial period and move you up to a full time employee. Would that be something that interests you?” Well that sounds super back-door… true but what else do you have to do.. the cows are always going to be tipped… the Bleakers girls will always lose their cat in the old tree… and do you really want to spend your days watching your body age in a tinted window of a farm supply store.. plus if you get in a tight spot it’s not like you have no one to turn to… your father and uncle are heroes.. if you need them you can call them “You know what Tina, why the hell not I need a little shake up now and then, what do you want me to do.” “Well Sir, there is a brief questionnaire. What is your current profession?” “Hero, payments received from the tax pays as part of bill E132” “Interesting always thought of giving that a try, but couldn’t pass the physical requirements if my life counted on it. What do you dislike about your current situation?” “I am not sure, I know I need something more than what I have but other than that I cannot answer that question” “Okay, are you afraid of sharks or kittens?” “Not to my knowledge, I have dealt with the former plenty never the other. I have seen a shark at zoo when I was in California but never really dealt with them.” “That’s okay we shall send you an informative pamphlet about sharks and the proper way to deal with them. It has been PETA approved so you don’t have to worry about them protesting you. So we have one job that fits you, I shall send the information to you, it should arrive in about a week.” “Okay do you want my address?” “Oh don’t be silly, the second you called we pulled your information up, you are located in Millet County on the edge of town, next to DeDe gun club. The information will arrive in a week, if you have any questions or are misunderstanding something please call us.” A dial tone filled his ear as he thought on how technology was turning more and more into big brother. Ad companies didn’t even need to ask your address any more, the just pulled it up. In a few clicks he imaged that Tina could gain all the information she ever wanted on a future client or current club member with no issues. Small rays of sun began to leak through his blinds, sighing he decided to get a few hours of sleep before the farmer left their field and wondered into town into the pubs and into the heated arguments or who had done what (or in most cases whom had done who).


	2. 2

The next few days passed with normal incidents. Krammer had lost his cows due to a damaged fence which had ignited an old feud from the Balls, which were now dealing with the invading cows. Guns had been drawn and daughters had been stolen away in Ford and Chevys. It was for the most part a simple matter, after forcefully getting both family head to sit down and talk about fence rights they had agreed to stop their fighting. The only issue that currently remained was that one of Chevy drivers had fallen for one of the stolen daughter, and she had returned his feelings. Last the cops or anyone else could tell they were on their way to Las Vegas to settle everything for themselves. He looked at the pictures that families had supplied him, they were a cute couple but there was nothing he could do, both were adults, and both had consented to the marriage. People met and fell in love in all sorts of way so he could do nothing more than wish the families luck, and ask them to follow in the love bird footsteps. Next had been his normal handful of kittens in trees, this was a yearly event. For some reason no matter what, the cat population would violently explode in the late spring early summer months. The city had held multiple stay and neuter drives yet the cats grew every year. Every year they would take over playground, dark patches of yards, and any small crack they could squeeze themselves into. The days tasks continued till he once more was left floating in the sky watching his reflection in the tinted windows, waiting for the lights to flicker out and the city to fall into to their nightly sleep.  
\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
His day had finally ended and once more he found himself in his chair sorting through the mail. Holding in his had the packet of information signed in neat writing Exciting Men’s Club. This was it his task, despite himself a rush of blood pumped through his heart as he held the packet and slowly tore open the seal.  
The paper was white with a faint smell of wood chippings. The letters were neatly placed and to his amazement hand written. It had been many years last he had seen a hand written letter. The first few pages contained basic legal information on the club, about membership and member’s discretion to issue and events that happen within the club. The last page had simple instructions on it, Bring us two rag doll cats, a handful of sheep shed, and three hairs from a virgin. I was indeed a strange request, and to be honest it brought up a quite a few questions.   
Maybe that is the point…. Give you a task that makes you ask question, to see if you can do it without asking any silly questions… cause come-on what could anyone really do with these list items… it sounds like they are making up a small nasty hairball to toss at someone  
The thought of the hair ball tossing contest slowly bothered him and he set to the task laid before him by the club. The first two items would be easy Ms. Thom had ragdolls, an unlimited amount, and sheep you couldn’t walk two steps without stepping on one. The virgin on the other hand would be an issue, he couldn’t really think of a non-creepy way of asking much less trying to complete that task.  
You could always just go to a grade school and just pick up some stray hairs…. But that may not bold well, and the town is small enough that they would be able to find me rather easy … not like I couldn’t say sorry this is for hero business not like I am a pedo….WAIT STOP…. It doesn’t say a lady… hell I know where to find a large amount of virgins then….  
He smiled and wondered off to his bed; for the first time in years he fell drifted off to sleep he felt excitement about tomorrow. He felt like a kid once more, there was something new around the corner.


	3. 3

The morning was bright and pleasant; he ate his breakfast in a hurry and left with a plan set in his head. As normally he checked in the Lt. Dixie, signing in for his day and picking up any calls from the night that was above the power the police could supply. He gazed over the schedule and noted it wasn’t too busy and could easily collect the necessary materials to complete the task.  
First he stopped over at Ms. Thom peering over her fence.  
“Howdy there Ms. Thom, any cats in trees today.”  
“Not yet but you know those little buggers, making more little buggers I will be swamped soon. Heading out now to take care of a batch now.”  
She lifted a large sack over her should and started heading towards the stream.  
“Buy chance do you have any rag doll kittens? I know you normally have a littler or two and my niece has been asking for a pet.”  
“You have niece, never knew. Although I guess it is normal for you hero types not to talk too much about yourselves, given with all the legal what-not from a few years back. I might have a few, but they ain’t quite ready to be taken from the mother. You know those are the only ones that people will pay for, they love those things. The other they couldn’t care less about, no desire to have another kitten from unknown stock. But you know the river always want them, never told me no yet.”  
“True, the city people do like the designer breeds, and the shelter will not take them anymore.”  
“Not this time of year, winter yes, so easy to get rid of a cat in the winter.”  
“Hmmm… when will the kittens be ready, I was thinking of getting her a pair.”  
“Soon maybe another week or so don’t want to pull them too early or they go weird in the head. Never being able to get over their mother, they just turn into whinny little bitches. And no family wants that for a cat.”  
A week is not so bad…. Another week will not hurt you… don’t rush this you might lose the excitement… and you don’t want that, you don’t’ want to go back to what it was….  
“That would be just great, I will come by next Monday and pick a few up.”  
“So be it.”  
Well one kind of down and the sheep shed is everywhere; I can pull that from sagebrush and trees alongside the road….nothing to hard… I guess finish up a couple of these task then collect the last item…  
His to do list for the day contained the basic moving some boulders that had fallen on the road, helping clear cut company de-lodge a truck, and checking in on the newlyweds to congratulate them for both their marriage and cooling off a family feud. That should leave me right next to Ande’s place, and my chance to pick up some hair.  
\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
Chevy and his stolen bride were doing well, both had pulled their money and purchased a small house near Center Street, it was a cute little rambler. They had been thinking of opening an Inspection shop near the highway, which was desperately needed. He told them if they needed any backing he would happily put the money down for a garage bond so they could open. He waved them good bye, then walked up the street towards Ande’s place.  
Ande’s place was an oddity in a small town, these people would have been excited to see a name brand store appear in their street, but instead they had a gaming café. He had always wondered how he kept in business; he didn’t think many people would have neither the time nor the money to properly invest in the gaming hobby here. Most the young men he saw had school then promptly ran off to the farms to being their work till hours after the sun had set. He knew how hard that work was and how it broke the body and left a tired mess. But Ande must have been doing well, his lights were always on and their always seemed to be a good ebb of traffic through his doors.  
The shop had never been one of his favorite places, it had always (even before Ande) contained a smell similar to old wet paper that skunk had taken a liking to. It was clean shop, roomy with neatly lined tables and wire perfectly kept together using zip ties. If only Ande could have seen his home and computer, might hurt the little guy seeing his cables scattered about the living room and computer screen full of smudges. Just the thought of the little guy scrambling to make his computer neat and perfect made him giggle.  
“Good day hero. Anything new in the wide world, any daring fights, or silken clad women.”  
“Not to my knowledge. If I find any I will text you.”  
“You should really try some of these games. Could teach you to be a real hero, more than a kitty gathering dude, who refuses to wear spandex. Isn’t that like a requirement for heroes, you have to have a skin tight suit making everyone who is at groin level with you uneasy.”  
“I will think about it, till then I think the cargo pant, and t-shirt suit my lifestyle well. You on the other hand are free to wear the spandex. You could try out a bunch and tell me which is more breathable or doesn’t tear as easily.”  
“I don’t think I could handle that amount of body shaming walking around in spandex. So what can I do you for today.”  
“After some DNA, there has been an report last night and they believe it was committed by one of your costumers. The report said it was a younger boy, middle school maybe, awkward, and uneasy on his feet.”  
“Door to your left, that is the only place I know were those boys gathered. Brace yourself, I don’t think they have seen light in a few hours, it might shock them.”  
Pushing past the beads he encountered an old door which had led to a small room, containing three young male things. He wasn’t sure if young man or boy would fit them, they all seemed to be stuck in the wondrous “sticky” phase everyone goes through during middle school. Their hair stuck up in various places, their feet seemed too big for their small stick bodies, and the heads seemed oversized and bobbly.  
“Pardon who wants to help a hero?”  
They all look toward him through squished eyes that had grown to accustomed to a computer screen. None were truly sure what to make of this figure standing before them. One flinched in response to his word, fearing that this was a wrathful farm boy whose attention he had caught. The other two remained silent with gazes that passed around his frame and disappeared into the light drifting in from the outside.  
“Sure… what do you need?”  
“A coat if you have one.”  
“Odd request for a hero to make, Ande may have an extra in back he keeps it encase of rain.”  
“Was hopping for someone without a wife, a young person. So I could stay in touch with the styles.”  
“Ummm.. sure I think someone left a pony sweater in the restroom. I also would say young person makes you sound old. Although you look old, what are you like in your 40’s.”  
“One day you boys are going to see the 40 as a wonderful time and realize how silly that comment was.”  
“Just turned 40, cause my mom said the same thing when she turned 40. But now we only are allow to celebrate her 35 birthday.  
“Be nice to your mother. She has to be nice to you.”  
With that he turned and headed toward the restroom. Like the rest of the store it was clean and neat, Ande had to have had OCD or something similar to. Turning to the corner he saw the hoodie and grab it the left.  
He finished with his goodbye to the Ande and the boys, thanking them for helping him locate the sweater. But for the first time in years he didn’t watch as the town went to sleep, instead he went home and turned on his scanner. He could fight crime from home this once, it was not like a mass amount violence was bound to happen in the last few hours before dinner.


End file.
